Hi, I’m BitterBeans. I was born a few years ago when some guy stitched me together and stuffed me full of red beans (perpetual flatulence is my cross to bear). Anyway, he made me as a gift for his wife. She’d pop me in the microwave and use my warmth to soothe her stomach pains.

But all that didn’t last long. After a while I became a lumpy and worn, so I was kicked to the curb.

Now, I’m just a bear trying to make it through this lonely world one day, vodka on the rocks and Netflix binge at a time.

PS - If you’re looking for a romantic night of ramen and Smirnoff hit up my Contact page. My schedule is pretty open. Like really open. Actually, I’m 100% free. For anyone.